How to survive messy sex By Ian Howley | @ianhowley If you were to just go by porn you’d think that anal sex is easy. But anyone who has ever put a cock up a bum will tell you that sometimes it can get messy. Really messy… What's that smell? Meet Harry, 23 from Sunderland. Harry recently moved to London and ended up talking to a hot Portuguese guy in a gay bar. They hooked up in an alley close to the bar. Midway through sex he could smell something awful. This is what he told us: “A few minutes into topping this guy I got a whiff of an awful smell. Because I was a little drunk I couldn’t place what it was. It took me a couple of minutes to catch on and I looked down. My cock was covered in shit. The guy clearly didn’t clear himself out before he went out and probably thought it’d be OK. Luckily I was wearing a condom so I could just take it off but the smell was stuck in my nose and killed the moment.” Is this a common story for gay men? We put a call out for some stories about ‘accidents’ while having sex. Joshua is 27 and from Oxford. He told us that while bottoming he had a little accident. “I was having sex with a guy I was dating and was feeling a little bloated. I ended up farting a couple of times during sex. It happens and you have to expect it but during this time a little bit of poo came out when he took his cock out. I have never been so embarrassed in my life.” Wolfgang is 34 and from Germany. He moved to London six years ago. He told us about this one time he had a one night stand that got messy. “So we’re having sex, and after a while it sounds like he is getting close to orgasm. I could smell this horrible scent, and I thought to myself ‘he must have farted’ His moans are getting louder, I keep pounding away, trying to mentally block out the smell. A few minutes later he begins to cum and I feel something mushing into my thighs. I turned on the light and this poor lad had shit everywhere. It was all over my cock, all down my legs, all over my bed... everywhere. He tried to blame it on me, saying I shouldn’t have fingered his arse on the way home. “I told him to just get in the shower and not to worry about it. This part of the story probably the worst. I said I didn’t get to finish and got him to give me a blow job in the shower. I ended up cumming in his mouth as the shit was still washing down the shower drain.” Toilet action Cottaging, glory holes and all the that toilet loving. You’d think that there would be less chance of messy sex during toilet. Well you’re wrong. Dave is 38 and from Belfast. He told us about the time he ran out of toilet roll just before he took part in some under stall action. “This was totally unplanned. I was in the local shopping centre and needed to poo. I went into the stall and never looked to see if there was toilet paper first. After I finished I reached for the roll but there was none left. I then noticed a guy tapping his foot on the ground in the cubicle next to me. Toilet sex turns me on and I thought why not. I got on my knees and the person reached under and started to wank me off. I hadn’t noticed that he also used his other hard to massage my hole. I looked down and thought OHHHH SHIT and well… he quickly pulled his hand back and his fingers were covered in poo. Let’s just say I didn’t get a happy ending”. Jimmy, 22 from London has a similar story, only the other way around. “I was looking through the glory hole and could see this hot lad was in there. He got on his knees pushed his dick under the stall. I started to suck him off. I like to finger guys holes as I suck them off and reached under. I could feel something wet but didn’t stop. After he came in my mouth I took my hand from under the stall and saw my fingers were covered in shit. It made me gag a little. I don’t really finger guys in toilets any more now. Farty pants Farting is a normal thing to do. It’s the body’s way of getting rid of chemicals left in food. Most of the time farts are sugar and fat turned into gas that your body gets rid of. However farting can be loud, smelly and embarrassing at times. Especially while someone is rimming you. Michael is 27 and from Manchester. He told us: “I was once rimming a guy I brought home. He was really enjoying it but I guess we had a little too much to drink and he couldn’t control himself. Maybe he was a little too relaxed and while I was rimming him he farted straight into my mouth. At first I was like WTF until the smell hit me and my gag reflex kicked in and I got sick all over his back. Yeah, that was awkward.” Sonny is 32 and from Hong Kong but now lives in London. He told us that he has trouble holding it in while bottoming. “I was having sex with my new boyfriend when I could feel gas filling up inside me. I normally can’t hold farts in. And while he was fucking me I let out probably the biggest fart you’ve ever heard. I felt embarrassed straight away but we laughed and carried on. It happens I guess.” Splat! If there’s one thing you should know it’s that if you are ever feeling sick, or having bowel problems you probably shouldn’t be having anal sex. Matt told us about a splat-tacular incident. “I was feeling awful and had to take the day off sick. I spent the morning stuck on the toilet. Later that evening my boyfriend came over to see how I was. I thought I was much better. We started to have sex and he started to fuck me. After about two minutes I started to get pains in my lower abdominal area. I told him to stop and take it out. As soon as he took his cock out I felt a huge rush going out off my arse. I basically exploded shit out my arse all over him. Not a day to tell the grandkids about. Lesson learnt? Don’t have sex when you feel sick.” Shit happens OK so anal sex can sometimes get a little messy. It’s a fact but it’s perfectly natural and it has probably happened to all of us one time or another. Because of the nature of gay sex, getting a little surprise at the tip of your cock is sometimes inevitable but there are a few ways that you can prevent such ‘accidents’ from happening. DOUCHING: A healthy rectum usually only contains poo when the bowel is full so there is little need to wash it out. If you feel better doing this, or if you are embarking on ‘deep arse play’ (e.g. fisting) then you may want to douche. We recommend that you only ever use plain, clean water, preferably at body temperature. However, douching (even just with water) can irritate the lining of the arse, making it more vulnerable to infections, including HIV. You do not need antiseptics, disinfectants or anything else in a douche, as they can all irritate the lining of the arse even more. However, it is not recommended to use douches that attach to the shower (or to unscrew the shower head and use the shower hose), many men do so anyway. If you do this, it’s important to keep in mind that there’s variable water pressure and heat coming out of the shower and that you will not always be able to control the amount of water that goes in your arse. If you do want to douche then use the small bulb douche (some men use these to squirt lube up their arse) or the gravity fed bags. You can buy over the counter douches that usually contain ‘additions’ to help with things like constipation. Throw the additions away and rinse out the tube/bulb before you douche. When douching, it often takes some time before your arse expels all the water. If you are planning on getting fucked, make sure you douche at least an hour or so before taking a cock because you may need to return to the toilet a few times to get all the water out. DUMP IT OUT: There will only be shit in the anal canal if you need to take a shit. When anything goes into your arse (a cock, dildo, finger) it triggers the same in-built sensory response that occurs when you need to take a shit. This is because the anal canal is full, so the brain reacts as if the rectum is full of shit, even when it is not. Once you are used to this feeling it becomes less of a worry but it can help if you clear the passageways (take a dump) before having sex. Try not to force it – if you need to go, you’ll know. If you get this sensation when a cock is going in your arse, relax and remind yourself that it’s OK – your arse is full, but only with cock. If you do get some shit on your cock, or if you are the one getting fucked and some shit gets on your partner’s cock, don’t freak out – it’s natural, so just go to the bathroom and clean it up. Sometimes, it can be an embarrassing experience which can kill the mood, so try making a joke about it and if you are the top, try to show some understanding. CONDOMS: Wearing a condom is not only done to prevent STIs and HIV. Some men also use condoms for hygiene purposes, even if they are in same HIV status relationships. If you feel that your bowels are not completely empty but you still want to get fucked, getting your partner to wear a condom will help him to avoid getting shit on his knob. If an accident does occur, he can simply remove the condom and throw it away. MEET SHIGELLA Shigella (or bacillary dysentery) is a bacterial infection which you can get by coming into contact with shit. You can get it from having sex with someone who has it, especially from rimming, but also from fisting, fingering or sharing of sex toys and douches, as it’s easy to get tiny bits of shit on your hands and then to get that in your mouth. You can also get it from drinking contaminated water or by eating unwashed contaminated food. Recently, Shigella has become more common amongst men who have sex with men. Transmission of Shigella seems to be more common amongst men with HIV and amongst men who sero-sort – sex between men with the same HIV status. You only need to get a tiny amount of the bacteria in your mouth to start feeling sick. How do I prevent it? It’s important to wash your hands regularly, especially after going to the toilet and during or after sex. To reduce the likelihood of infection, use gloves for fisting and condoms for fucking or sharing toys and wash your hands or shower after having sex. If you are having bareback sex, avoid sucking cock after it’s been up yours or someone else’s arse in order to avoid the bacteria getting into your mouth. If you have been diagnosed with Shigella, avoid having sex until you have fully recovered so that you don’t pass it on to your partners. How do I know I’ve got it? You can begin to experience diarrhoea combined with fever, abdominal cramps and/or rectal pain between 12 and 96 hours after becoming infected with Shigella. Symptoms can also include severe and bloody diarrhoea. If you are experiencing any of these symptoms, you should get yourself tested by your GP or at a GUM clinic. Most of the time you will recover with no complications within a week or ten days but in some cases, especially if you have severe and/or bloody diarrhoea, you may need to take antibiotics. For more information on sex, sexual health, STIs and HIV visit, www.gmfa.org.uk/sex.